Radical Unschooling

I have blogged about both unschooling and positive-only parenting before. 

Radical unschooling is the unholy union of these two concepts. If you thought both ideas by themselves were dangerous and foolish, the fallout of parenting failure when they are combined is exponential.

In a nutshell, "radical unschooling" means that parents do not enforce any rules for their kids, in ANY area of life, ever. You read that right. Kids do whatever they want, whenever they want. They have no set bed times, eat what they want when they want, are never forced or even coerced to obey their parents, have full 'body autonomy' including deciding if they want to shave their head at age 3 or if and when to take medicine, are not expected to do any school work, and are basically NEVER made to do anything they don't want to do. The parents' job is to cater to the child's every whim and thus enable them to turn into the wonderful humans they were destined to be. Except they don't. They grow into the wicked, entitled, lazy, spoiled young adults we see everywhere these days.

The 'philosophy' behind this (un?)parenting is that children are born innately wise, intuitive, pure, and sinless, and that if given the freedom to make their own choices not influenced by corrupted adults who are already messed up from 'authoritarian parenting,' they will naturally choose what is best and wisest for them.

Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. (Proverbs 22:15)

The moms who fall for this nonsense then post on social media, wondering why their feral kids act like animals. They ask such deep questions as how to get their kids to stop playing video games and go to bed before the wee hours of the morning ("Don't worry, that's normal!"), how to stop their kids from eating only junk food ("Don't worry, that's normal!), how to stop their kids from assaulting others ("Don't worry, that's normal!"), how to stop a tantrum ("Don't worry, it's normal!) - you name it, it's all normal, and something kids will grow out of over time. Until then, hugs, good vibes, and lots of good luck to you!

"How would you all handle a 2 1/2 year old having a melt down in the middle of the night because you say no more breastfeeding so you can get some sleep? My toddler is getting worse with punching me very hard and spitting in my face. I try to push him away on the bed and he comes back fighting. I try to hold him and comfort him but he comes back fighting. He ends up crying to sleep. Am I just supposed to lay there and be punched/spit on? He doesn't listen to any words or reason. His raging wakes everyone since we all share a bed. I don't know what else to do."

What else to do? What has she done??? Comfort him in response to being assaulted? One person recommended "keeping a hand towel nearby for the spitting." Another wondered why the mom would wean the child at such a young age - mom should just take a nap in the afternoon to make up for lost night sleep.

If that same little tyrant were 160 lbs and 16-years old, he would kill his mother in a fit of rage. The only thing that is preventing him from doing so now is because he is lacking the physical strength, not the fact that he doesn't despise her THAT MUCH. 

My three (turning four in March) year old has started to self harm to express anger, in the form of biting or scratching herself. She uses this almost as a threat i.e. "I'm mad. I'm going to bite myself!"

This style of parenting is nothing short of child abuse. Children without boundaries and consequences are the most miserable creatures. They grow up to loathe others and themselves, are loathed by others, and daydream about suicide.

My 9 year old wants her nose pierced and I told her not until she's 13 or 14.. Is that a reasonable RU response?  

The overwhelming majority of responses were along the lines of "let her, and explore why you are so conflicted about her choice."

On the subject of natural consequences, how to handle stealing. My 11 yo took $10 of mine, lied until I stared her down long enough that she reached into her pocket & gave it back. [...] She does these "types" of things often.

General responses were: give her more allowance, figure out what she needs the money for, ask why she 'had' to steal it, and show her disappointment as the most effective punishment.

I could go on with horror stories from these insane parents. When dealing with the unsaved, nothing should surprise us. They are spiritually blind. They are foolish, yes. They raise monsters we all have to live with, yes. But even so, I pity them. They will never know the joy that children that are raised in the ways of the Lord can bring. All their labor is in vain.

The thing I find truly disturbing is when Christians fall for this nonsense. I am not just talking about "Christian Radical Unschooling," which yes, is a thing. I'm talking about mainstream, evangelical Christians who consider themselves 'conservatives' making the same kind of excuses about their little brats, which in due time turn out to be derelict young people and eventually worthless adults indistinguishable from their worldly peers. 

I am in another online group of Christian moms of large families that homeschool. Sounds pretty conservative, no? Sometimes, when I see the questions posted there and the responses, I have to double-check which group I'm in - the radical unschoolers or the Christian homeschool moms. 

This I have no pity for. "If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness!" Christian parents turning out one bad child after another with a similar 'success rate' as the world is a terrible testimony. It's just as bad a testimony as the fact that divorce rates among professing Christians are the same as that of unbelievers. It is an assault on the validity of Bible principles.

Not like Germany is the bedrock of strict parenting these days or even was in my days, but being from East Germany and having had 'old-school' grandparents, I was raised in times and circumstances that were decades 'behind the times'. When we were newlyweds and young parents, I was often dumbfounded by permissive American parenting, where it is a virtue among many to let kids walk rough-shod over their parents and suffer it patiently.

These same parents would never put up with that kind of treatment from their spouses. Toddler screams at you? Normal. Husband screams at you? Emotional abuse - call the cops. Imagine if he hit his wife and spat on her like these kids are allowed to do!! Who in their right mind would say, "This too shall pass, keep a towel nearby for the spitting and try to separate yourself to another room." It's madness and folly!

I used to be told, "Just wait until you have a toddler!" When the first few of our kids made it past being toddlers with our sanity intact and our parenting still on track, it was, "Wait until you have a daughter!" So we had three in a row, all of which are sweet and kind and growing into godly young ladies. Then we heard, "Just wait until you have a teen!" Well, we have three now. They do suffer from some inevitable teen brain atrophy, but they are still godly, respectful kids who know their place in this family and are not malicious, just overgrown and sometimes clumsy pups on the cusp of productive adulthood. My kids are not perfect, but they are good kids who love the Lord and will grow up to walk in His ways. And as long as we parents have any say in the matter (which we do), they will reach adulthood without first bringing shame on themselves and us through being wicked in their young adult years.

And yet, bad parents never want to take responsibility for their offspring turning out a failure, one after the other. They might blame the other parent, they might come up with some bogus condition their child suffers from like ODD (oppositional defiance disorder), Asperger (or what used to be known as lacking social graces), their preacher being too nice/mean, the Bible being too strict, modern society corrupting everyone, or any number of excuses. To them, raising children is like rolling the dice. Some keep getting lucky, and they keep drawing the short end of the stick - but the fault is most certainly not with them, oh no! You just wait! It reminds me of divorced people who think there are only two kinds of marriages: those that have already failed, and those that are on the way to failure. Until you die having never divorced, your marriage is in question in their mind, even two, three, four, five decades later.

Misery truly loves company. Misery also hates those who succeed where they have failed. 

I'm here to tell you, this defeated, can't do attitude is not true. Let me be clear: my kids turning out right will have nothing, ZERO, to do with me being better than anyone else. It will be 100% by the grace of God, and applying HIS principles to child raising. If I can raise good kids, in spite of myself and my shortcomings, ANYONE can. Any idiot can follow Bible teaching, and have an end product that is far greater than the sum of its parts. To God be all the credit. All we have to do as parents is guide our kids in the fear and knowledge of the Lord. It's that simple. And: IT WORKS.

Simple does not mean easy, though. It might not be easy if we love ourselves more than our child, and care more about staying in good graces with them today rather than having them thank us later. The Bible says there are two critical ingredients to raising kids: the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Or in more simple terms: love them, and don't let them walk all over you. Parents who raise derelicts love themselves, and are too lazy to put an end to bad behavior, thus going against both of these points.

Kids do not turn out right overnight, and they are not lost overnight. They continue for many years on the path of right, lit by God's word, or they continue down the way of transgressors, unchecked for many years. There are a thousand parenting decisions made over the course of many years that keep kids on one path, or the other.

When the 18-month old first throws herself on the floor in an angry response to being told "no", one quick swat is likely to end that behavior (and other ones like it) from ever manifesting again. Choose to distract and coddle the child instead, and soon you will have a screaming 3-year old on your hands that has made a horrible habit of pitching fits to get what they want. Breaking that bad habit is a lot harder at that point, so the parent is even less likely to do it than they were two years earlier. Continue to give in to the whining and tantrums, and you will soon have an entitled monster on your hands. The problem escalates more and more. By the time kids are in their teen years, the tracks are almost irreversibly set. The train is in motion and at full speed. The train wreck is inevitable. When it happens, the parents will sit back and claim it's not their fault, but either they are lying, or the Bible is not true.

Ungodly children are the result of lazy, selfish parenting gone wrong from the start, and never corrected. If it were a roll of the dice, "having faithful children" would not be a prerequisite for the pastor.

Here's a great sermon that ties in with this post:

Naptime - The Key to Sanity

Did you know that today is "National Napping Day?" No joke! This unofficial holiday was created in 1999 to help people adjust to Daylight Saving Time. 

While we here in Arizona THANKFULLY do NOT observe Daylight Savings (and don't even get me started on the stupidity of the concept behind it), I DO think naps are key to having happy, pleasant children.

As I am typing this, our youngest three (ages 7 months, 2, and 4 years respectively) are all napping, and should be for about another hour or so. 

This is no coincidence, and has nothing to do with luck. Please allow me to explain, so you, too, can tap into this sanity saver if you have not yet discovered it. 

At our house, the rule is that anyone 5 and under (Kindergarten level and below) naps - period. Nap time is immediately after lunch, so starting around 1 pm. Even with multiple nappers of various ages, a consistent time can be implemented because even babies typically fall into a predictable pattern within months of birth. That youngest one may be too little to "sleep train," but he or she can set the tone for the rest of the sleeping crowd as to when exactly they are hitting the sack.

Consistency is key. Skipping naps on occasion because you are away from home for whatever reason is not the end of the world, especially if the younger ones snooze in the car. But skipping nap time when you are just at home, with nothing out of the ordinary going on, will give children this idea that naps are optional. That, in turn, will lead them to fight and argue about nap time every single time, rather than realizing that nap time is never up for debate, so they might as well resign themselves to their fate.

Some may say, "But my 3-year old just does not want to nap any more! How do I get him/her to sleep?"

For one, every 3-year old needs a nap. If they don't seem to need one, it is simply that they are so deficient in sleep, it is now manifesting as hyperactivity. Having a solid routine and non-negiotiable sleep times can help undo those bad patterns.

Secondly, while you cannot force anyone to fall asleep, you CAN force them to lie in bed silently without getting up. That's all you can do. But lo and behold, more often than not, you will find the child asleep in just a matter of minutes if you enforce the simple rule of "Lie still with your eyes closed and don't get up."

This leads to my first piece of advice: 

#1 Have specific rules regarding nap time, and stick to them consistently. 

Of course once the little cherubs are sleeping, you want to keep a good thing going as long as possible. For us, the rule is never to wake a napping child unless absolutely necessary. Hence, I schedule my day around those golden nap time hours by not allowing visitors between 1-4 pm, and never scheduling appointments during that time. One exception to this rule is that sometimes, my husband is able to do office work from home, in which case I love running errands by myself, while the little ones are sleeping and not even aware of the fact that I am not at home with them. 

Besides noisy outside distractions, there may be older siblings that need to be quiet during this time. This is where "silent time" comes in. Older kids can silently be working on school work, or enjoy entertainment such as reading. Two aspects that I find very helpful are (1) having children separated visually if they must be in the same room, and (2) encouraging them to stay put, rather than moseying up and down the house. Learning to be still and quiet are great qualities.

If you have appliances like the washer and dishwasher to run, now is a great time. Background "white noise" will quickly come to be associated with sleep. At our house, we would always need to run the dishwasher after lunch, and after dinner, simply because we would go through that many dishes. One day I came to realize that anytime the dishwasher turned on outside those times, the baby would become very sleepy even when she was just sitting in her high chair in the kitchen. Use this as a tool in your box of arsenals! 

So my second piece of advice is: 

#2 Treat nap time as a priority. Help make it a success by reducing noise and other distractions, and/or getting white noise on your side. 

Now that the little ones are down, and the older ones are productively occupied, what to do? Well, for one, you can now think for 30 seconds without being interrupted or distracted! So this may be a good time to briefly pray as you get those major appliances rebooted, respond to some urgent emails, help the older kids with school work as necessary, sit down to practice reading with a child who is new to it, or get work done online (ordering goods, looking up a dinner recipe, researching something new, etc.). You could get started on dinner so that you do not have to deal with that once the little ones wake up again. 

Whatever you do, try to stay productive yourself, because as soon as you go into a vegetative stage of "I'm just going to relax for a bit while browsing Facebook", you will soon loose all motivation to do anything, only to find yourself scrambling to make up for lost time when your little ones wake up, ready to go, while you are more tired than ever. 

Slothfulness casteth into a deep sleep; and an idle soul shall suffer hunger. - Proverbs 19:15

Do you realize what that verse is saying? The lazier someone is, the more tired they get! It's true. The best way to be invigorated and energized to push through that "afternoon low" is to get up and do something. 

By having a motto of "work comes first, then the fun" you could then have time to do a craft with the children after nap time, read a story, go for a walk, or something fun of the sort. Of course, once your work is reasonably caught up, if the little ones are still sleeping, there's nothing to stop you from putting your feet up and blowing off some steam yourself.

#3 Make the best use of nap time by getting things done while younger, high-needs children are off your hands. Don't fritter away this precious time. 

Finally, here is my HUGE disclaimer: If you yourself need to nap, by all means do!!! Napping is not being lazy or unproductive. Unlike playing a video game, napping will pay its dividends by restoring your energy and re-fueling your own tank. 

So whenever possible, take a nap yourself. If all your kids are young and still napping, a nap should be a daily MUST for you - even if it's just for 20 minutes. Sleeping for 20 minutes and then working for 40, you will be able to get more done than if you slowly drag yourself through the whole hour on an empty tank without a nap. And let's face it - when all your kids are young (5 and under), your tank is always running on low!! This is a question of discipline on your part: Can you force yourself to take that nap you so badly need? If not, chances are, your children likewise will have ill-disciplined attitudes toward work and sleep.

My final piece of advice:

#4 Whenever humanly possible, take a nap of at least 20 minutes yourself. If all your kids are napping, make a rule to also nap.

There you have it. It's not rocket science. Nap time truly is a key piece of the puzzle to achieving peace and sanity in a family with little ones around. 

I hope this post has helped or encouraged you in some way. 

AhaHaHaHa! Parenting

Bad parenting is nothing new. Humanistic philosophies that go against the Bible are as old as time itself. So what appears to be a new trend by the name of "attachment parenting" (AP) is nothing but horrible parenting by a new, cute name.

In fact, the name implies that these parents are going above and beyond, when in truth they are conducting a dangerous social experiment on their own children, and those of others. An experiment that is sure to fail, because it goes 100% against the Bible.

You know you have fallen for the attachment parenting style if you can say any of the following, and mean it:

Unnatural parenting

There is a somewhat modern movement out there called "Natural Parenting", or "Attachment Parenting". Really, all that is modern about it is the name, as the concept of being a failure of a parent and not raising decent kids is as old as humankind itself. Anyway, I am here to pick apart "Natural Parenting". Buckle your seat belts.

Best, Worst, and Maybe Tomorrow

Just wanted to quickly share about a family tradition we started a long time ago. It's called "Best, Worst, and Maybe Tomorrow". I read about it somewhere, but I forgot where.

It's simple, and it takes less than a minute. It gives the kids a special moment with Mom/Dad, and can lead into a more in-depth conversation if the need arises. The kids love it.

At night, when they are ready for bed or already tucked in, each child tells me about the day that is ending - what they liked best, what was the worst, and something to think about for the next day.

It is interesting to see what they pick. It helps them put into perspective that even if they think they didn't get to do everything they wanted to do today, there's always tomorrow. And my favorite is when they can't think of anything for the "worst" category.

Infant Mortality in the United States

The CDC just released data from the United States’ Linked Birth/Infant Death Data Set and the European Perinatal Health Report.

Their findings? In 2005, the latest year that the international ranking is available for, the United States ranked 30th in the world in infant mortality, behind most European countries, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Hong Kong, Singapore, Japan, and Israel. This in spite of the fact that we spend more than any other of these countries on medical care and equipment, and have the most sophisticated facilities.

• Infant mortality rates for preterm (less than 37 weeks of gestation) infants are lower in the United States than in most European countries; however, infant mortality rates for infants born at 37 weeks of gestation or more are higher in the United States than in most European countries. I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that 1 in 3 children are born via Cesarean in this country, and that almost all "natural" labors are "managed" with induction, epidurals, pitocin, etc. These procedures are not just unnatural, but also place great stress on both the mother's and the baby's body, and endanger their wellbeing and obviously also their lives.
  

• One in 8 births in the United States were born preterm, compared with 1 in 18 births in Ireland and Finland. There are many underlying causes of prematurity, some of which are preventable and some of which aren't. One major cause is preeclampsia (also called toxemia), which is almost 100% preventable and in most cases reversible through following a healthy diet that included plenty of protein. I am a very strong believer in following the Brewer Pregnancy Diet.
  

• If the United States had Sweden’s distribution of births by gestational age, nearly 8,000 infant deaths would be averted each year and the U.S. infant mortality rate would be one-third lower.

I mean, I have been to the Czech Republic, Poland, and Hungary, and their hospitals are somewhat like you would expect to find in Mexico. Even Cuba ranks better than the US. The more Western countries on the list that I have been to (ten of them) have newer hospitals and better equipment (although Britain, who has had socialized health care for the longest, is the worst of these by far), but the fanciest and most modern hospitals I have ever seen are those in the United States. Most maternity wards are made to look like a hotel, but looks can be deceiving.

The best gift any expectant mom can give her child is that of a natural, unmedicated birth that is allowed to progress in its own timing. Midwife-attended home birth is the safest and most satisfying option for low-risk pregnancies.