Church nurseries - good or bad idea?

About two years ago, I blogged on "Why I hate church nurseries". Seeing that our church has grown a lot in the meantime, and that we now have a lot more young children and babies, as well as several expectant moms who will contribute to the steady addition of more little ones, I thought I would share a little update of what church is like when there is no nursery.

This past Sunday morning, we had a total attendance of 68 in the service. Of these, 11 were in the newborn to 4 year-old range (the typical age at which children are put in the nursery). That is a relatively high percentage of babies to adults. The sermon was, as usual, about an hour long, bringing the total length of the service (with congregational singing and announcements) to somewhere around an hour and a half. 

So, how did it go? Contrary to popular belief, it was not a circus. The children were not loud and disruptive. Our family was the largest one in attendance, with six children ages newborn to 9 years old, all of which I was able to care for singlehandedly without disruptions/outbursts, or having to leave the auditorium. Is this unusual? Hardly - all the children in the service were from families who attend regularly week after week.

How can this be? I believe there are several factors that make having babies and children in the service enjoyable for all those involved. 

• Start young:  We all know that babies are able to hear while still in the womb. Those of us who go to church 3 times a week, have all experienced that our newborn babies are usually soothed to sleep by the preacher's voice - a familiar sound to them. I have heard of expectant parents reading "Cat in the hat" to their unborn children during the last months of pregnancy, so that they would then be able to soothe the baby after birth by reading something that has become familiar to the baby. Surely, preaching not only can have the same effect, but be more beneficial on a spiritual level.

• Accommodate mothers: Having comfortable seating options in the auditorium for new moms is a very welcome luxury. We currently have only two gliders set up, but I have been meaning (and needing) to purchase more. Why? This will allow them not only to cuddle their youngest and rock them to sleep, but also accommodate...

• Breastfeeding: Yes, you read that right. Our church does not ban mothers from feeding their babies in the service, or anywhere on the premises for that matter. I feel weird even writing this, but sadly, the reality is that in most churches ladies would be ushered off the premises if they fed their child, notwithstanding the fact that most states give mothers the right to feed their children in any location in which they are legally allowed to be themselves. Now, I am not at all in favor of ladies feeding indiscreetly. I am currently nursing our sixth baby, and have never yet had to expose myself in public in order to do so. There are many options such as slings, cover-ups, blankets, etc. that help make feeding in public discreet - I won't go into that in this post. Why people find the act of feeding itself offensive I cannot understand - there is nothing sensual about it. Personally, I find bottle nipples (note the name) a lot more explicit and suggestive than a lady who is covered discreetly. It sure is a lot less revealing than the clothes worn by many ladies in church these days, such as tight-fitting and low-cut tops. Why does breastfeeding in the service make such a big difference? Because it keeps babies asleep and happy. Because nurslings and moms suffer when they are separated - physically, as well as emotionally. Because it helps babies go from sleeping through the service, to sitting through the service quietly by associating preaching with a time to settle down and be quiet. 

• Provide an alternative: Of course, there will be times when children behave in a disruptive manner. If that happens, they should not be left in the service to distract the preacher or those listening to him. For times such as this, we have a "Mother-Baby Room". Ours looks out into the auditorium through a large window in the wall, and the preaching is transmitted into the room. In the room, we have a swing, a playpen, an exersaucer, and some quiet toys such as board books and soft toys. For the mothers, we have the most comfortable sofas ever. However, this is not a nursery, because every mom is in there watching her own child(ren). Another big difference is that this room is used as necessary, rather than three times a week regardless of whether the child is being disruptive or not. Typically, I find myself using this room most between about 9 months to about a year and a half. By two years of age at the very latest, children are old enough to be taught to be silent in the service. They may not sit down the whole 90 minutes, but they know that church is a time to be silent. This takes work and training on the part of the parents, which is certainly harder than simply dropping a child off at a nursery, but the rewards of children learning the Bible and hearing real preaching from the womb are well worth those efforts. At our church, men are not allowed in this room, so when Dads take their children out of the service, they usually stay in the foyer, which is open to the auditorium so they can still see and hear the service perfectly well. 

• Be tolerant: It is amazing to me how much disruption we can put up with from adults, but not children. If an adult has a coughing fit in church, we probably will start digging through our purse looking for a cough drop to help the poor coughing person. Men often yell "Amen" and similar other statements during the service, and nobody seems bothered. Other more inappropriate, but real, distractions are cell phones going off, someone going to the bathroom, hard candy being unwrapped, whispering back and forth, etc. Usually, people just put up with these without saying anything. But woe to the baby who dares coo in church, or smile at a person sitting nearby. I have literally heard pastors saying that babies should not be left in the service even if they never make a peep because their cuteness is too distracting to nearby ladies. Ha! He must have been thinking about my babies! :) Jesus said to "suffer" little children to come unto him, and not to forbid them. 

Now why, you may wonder, would any mother want to keep her babies and young children in the service with her, when there is such a "convenience" as a nursery available? I have found that those mothers who love their children so much that they feel uneasy surrendering them to the care of others during the preaching, are the same who love their children enough to teach them how to act right in church. Those who are slacking in their parenting, or who are new believers and have not brought their children up in church, may certainly prefer a nursery. But there are definite advantages to NOT having a nursery:

• Everyone is in church: Church is the assembly of believers. If everyone is split up in various groups all over the property, that is NOT church. Especially for families, it is vital to serve the Lord together, rather than with peers outside their family.

• Children learn the Bible from a young age: Sure, every nursery prides themselves on the fact that the ladies in charge teach Bible truths. The problem is, that these are the most impressionable and important years. I do not want our children to think that church is a place where a friendly lady shares a positive, loving message week after week. I want them to hear real preaching from a man of God. It is amazing to me how much even our youngest ones pick up from the preaching. Even if they only understand 1 or 2 % of what is being said, that is a lot more Bible truth than what they would get from a cute little coloring picture and a positive pep talk in the nursery. 

• It is safer: Thinking back on the workers in the nurseries that our children attended back before we knew better (about the first 2 years of our parenting), I would say that about 50% of them I have since found out such horrible things that I would never even want to leave our dog in their care. No doubt, there were also many loving, kind, helpful ladies, but the risk is just too great to me. I am not just thinking of something as grievous as molestation. I don't even want our children to be cared for by someone who is an adulteress, or otherwise sets a horrible example. 

• It is more sanitary: I am not going to elaborate on this point. Think daycare - kids always get sick there. Back when our oldest two used to go to the nursery, they would get sick all the time, causing me to miss many services and making us miserable as we would all get sick from them.

The most common concern about babies and children being allowed in the service is that they will disrupt the preaching, keeping those in attendance from hearing the gospel, or applying the sermon because they will not reach a state of "conviction". 

For starters, church is not for preaching the gospel - that is something that should be done door to door, or before or after the service if there are unsaved visitors. The sermon is for the edification of believers. Even so, I would venture to guess that our church sees more people saved per capita and has members with stronger convictions than any church I have ever seen or heard of. Over 90% of our members go out door-to-door soulwinning regularly. Almost all have high standards in their personal lives, such as having no TV, homeschooling, and men who support and lead their families while the ladies stay home and raise the children that God blesses them with (as opposed to using birth control and pursuing a "career"). Almost all of our members are people that we reached - the "unchurched" - rather than transplants from other churches or those who have grown up in Christian homes. Apparently, having babies and young children in the service did not keep them from hearing and applying the preaching, and making substantial changes in their lives.

I am not saying that having or utilizing a nursery is a sin (although I do think that having a mandatory nursery policy is very wrong). But I am saying that it is unwise. It is also a waste of such a perfect opportunity to attend church as a family, and to just sit and cuddle/nurse your baby for and hour and a half three times a week - I mean, when else would I ever be able to do that in the middle of the daytime? Families thrive when they are allowed to be in church together.

Why I hate church nurseries

The subject of whether or not church nurseries are scriptural and whether or not I think they should exist is one of my favorite hobby horses. Please bear with me as I go off on it for a while in this post.

For those readers who think nurseries are a must, and without them church would be a circus, this post will do little to convince them otherwise because they are willingly ignorant, and inconsiderate of the fact that children are the most important audience.

Rather, my post is intended to embolden parents who are currently struggling with this issue to take a stand against nurseries, and prove that yes, you can and should have your children in church right alongside with you.

My husband devoted a large part of his most recent Sunday night sermon, "How to win children to Christ", to preach on this very subject, and I have embedded the video of it below. While the entire sermon is great, the part pertaining to nurseries starts at 36:14. For some reason the camera was not focused properly, but the sound quality is obviously unaffected by that.



I am not going to repeat the points from the sermon here, but would like to add the following:

Keeping children out of the service and leaving them in a nursery is not only detrimental to their spiritual growth, but also their physical health. Nurseries are like leper colonies, and any and all sickness will be passed around as toys (and the accompanying body fluids) are freely shared. In a small church, there may only be one nursery, in which case older kids could hurt younger children by throwing toys, biting/hitting them, or accidentally stepping on the little ones - I have seen all of these. A baby might accidentally be given the bottle of another child, something that even with labeled bottles happens all the time.

There is a prevailing notion that young children get sick a lot and that that's just the way it is. According to statistics, preschool age children get about 9 colds per year. This number is absolutely ridiculous, but sadly true. When our kids used to go to the nursery during church services, they would get sick at least once per month, but more often it was twice per month. Today I know that almost all of this sickness was completely self-inflicted. Now, the kids get sick maybe once or twice per year at the most. The children in the nursery share germs with each other. They are also exposed to the germs of their respective older siblings, of which they may be a carrier without showing any symptoms of illness yet. They can get sick from a nursery worker who either does not know that she is spreading a virus that she is carrying, or who knew she was sick but didn't want to miss out on holding the babies in the nursery.

While children are exposed to germs out in public all day long, it is not as aggressive of an onslaught as in a nursery. A child that is exposed to a few germs at the store or in the church auditorium will most often shake it off before it develops into an illness. Such is not the case when their system is overloaded with the amount of germs that they are exposed to in a closed environment such as a nursery with other sick children.

I could go on for hours on this point alone. In short, our kids used to get sick all the time. Since we took them out of the nursery (which was well-maintained and cleaned regularly) they hardly ever get sick any more. Best of all, they are not passing sickness on to my husband, as they had before, which would mean substantial financial losses because of him being too sick to work.

Then there is the question of safety. Churches draw freaks like moths are drawn to light. People are trusting, courteous, and easy targets. How can anyone know that the sweet nursery worker that they just handed their child off to is not a predator? I get so tired of hearing about background checks. They are 100% worthless. All a background check says it that someone has never been convicted of a crime. Maybe they just have never committed one yet? Maybe they just didn't get caught? Every child molester had a clean record at one time - do you want your child to be the first victim? I am not saying that you should go around suspecting everyone, I am saying you should not go around blindly trusting anyone just because they happen to go to your church. Would you trust that same person at church with all your personal banking information, your wallet, the keys to your house and car, and all your money in cash, to do with it as they saw fit? Hardly. To me, my children are worth so much more than all that together.

Learning to sit still in church will also be a valuable lesson for younger children, rather than picking up every bad behavior from other kids in the nursery. No child is perfect, my own included, which is why they shouldn't just all be cooped up together to learn each others worst habits.

According to the Bible, it is wrong to tell people who come to church where to sit:

James 2:3 And ye have respect to him that weareth the gay clothing, and say unto him, Sit thou here in a good place; and say to the poor, Stand thou there, or sit here under my footstool:

According to the Bible, Jesus was angry when the disciples tried to keep the children away from him:

Matthew 19:14 But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.

Mark 10:14 But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.

Luke 18:16 But Jesus called them unto him, and said, Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.

According to the Bible, it is wrong for the pastor to rule over and command another man's wife by forcing her to use the nursery.

Romans 14:4 Who art thou that judgest another man's servant? to his own master he standeth or falleth. Yea, he shall be holden up: for God is able to make him stand.

1Peter 5:3 Neither as being lords over God's heritage, but being ensamples to the flock.

Yet, there is not one single verse in the entire Bible that says that children should be pushed aside into a nursery while the adults attend the service.

Do yourself and your children a huge favor and get out from under the footstool that pastors have confined the next generation to because they are so ill-prepared for their sermon that any little peep from the audience will make them lose their train of thought.

To read previous post on this subject, click here, here, and here.

SIDS, daycare, and church nurseries

What do the three have in common, you may wonder? Let me explain.

After a recent order from a baby-related website, I received a notification in the mail telling me that my order came with a complimentary, one-year subscription to the magazine "Parenting". This magazine could more aptly be called "Lack of Parenting" or "Parenting Failures", but nonetheless, reading it makes for cheap comic relief after a hard day of real parenting.

Back to the subject at hand, though. The September issue featured an article called "Lost Babies", which deals with the subject of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). SIDS is the diagnosis anytime an apparently healthy baby suddenly dies in their sleep of unknown causes during the first year of life (most deaths occur between 2 and 4 months).

First off, let me make it clear that I do think SIDS is real, that it is not entirely preventable, and that parents should never be blamed in the death of their child regardless of the circumstances.

Having said that, I think there are many factors that could reduce the incidence of SIDS. Some of the more well-known are putting babies on their back to sleep, keeping away cigarette-smoke, not using soft bedding, and breastfeeding exclusively. Personally, I am also convinced that sleeping next to Mom and Dad is infinitely important, and I am not talking about a bassinet by the bedside. SIDS is thought to be caused largely by an immature breathing reflex. If healthy babies do not get enough oxygen in their sleep, this reflex will kick in and make them yawn or turn their head to get more air. This reflex is also responsible for making sure baby doesn't "forget" to breathe once they go into a deeper sleep phase. By being tucked into bed next to its parent(s), the baby has a sort of "breathing pacemaker" by its side. Babies that sleep like that automatically fall into the same breathing pattern as the parent that they are snuggled up to, and thus do not forget to breathe. Also, babies have a reflex that causes them to take a deep breath anytime someone blows in their face, which Mom does all night long when she is breathing next to the baby cradled in her arms, face to face. Of course, there are safe sleeping practices that must be observed when sleeping next to a young baby, but I will not discuss those here.

Recently, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has also started recommending that all babies should be using a pacifier, which has been shown to reduce the incidence of SIDS by as much as 90%. To me, this further supports my theory that sleeping next to Mom is very healthy, because babies that do so spend their night using Mom for their nursing comfort rather than a binky. This has many benefits for mom and baby: Mom will have a good milk supply, and will have lots of endorphins in her system from the extra feedings, which will create a strong bond between her and the baby. She will also sleep better and never wake up groggy and sleep-deprived from having to get up for midnight feedings. The baby will grow faster, have a close bond to its mother, and will not be sucking on a plastic binky that may contain dangerous chemicals or be recalled for being otherwise dangerous. Baby will also not be taught to find comfort in material objects rather than in his real, human Mom.

The following information, however, was new and shocking to me. According to the article, "In the most recent AAP analysis, about 20 percent of all SIDS deaths occurred while the baby was in the care of someone other than a parent. One third of the infants died during the first week of childcare, and half of those deaths occurred on the very first day." Such was the case of the couple that was introduced in the article, whose 4-month old died of SIDS during an afternoon nap on his first day in childcare. The study suggested that being in an unfamiliar (which to a baby equals hostile) environment might interfere with the baby's sleep cycle, "so that when he finally does fall asleep, he sleeps too deeply". Going back to the binky theory, this would now make more sense because the baby is fooled into thinking Mom is near when she isn't.

So please, do not put your young baby in a childcare facility, and you might save his/her life.

What does that have to do with church nurseries? A lot. Many churches are now making nursery care mandatory for all babies in an effort to eliminate all distractions from the service. For one, I don't know what young baby is ever a distraction when all they do is eat and sleep, both of which are silent activities and can be done during a service.

It has always amused me that it is perfectly fine to whip out a bottle and pop it in baby's mouth in front of everyone, but that discretely breastfeeding under a shawl or blanket is considered obscene, when a bottle that is made to look and feel like the "real thing" is much more graphic than a mom who is completely covered. Here is a shock: everyone is naked underneath their clothes. GASP! So covering up with a blouse or dress is fine, but a (much more modest) shawl is insufficient? That doesn't make any sense. Of course, these squeamish people will be quick to point out that it is the ACT of breastfeeding that is offensive, even if no skin is ever visible. In fact, I have heard one pastor compare breastfeeding to the marriage act, which I can only call perverted. Other people say that there is nothing indecent about nursing a baby if Mom is covered, but it is still inappropriate in mixed company because it reminds men of the fact that women have breasts. To me, that is just as laughable. You mean there are men who DON'T know that?!? Those same people must not read their Bible very much, because it talks a lot about those subjects.

Breastfeeding is vital to a baby. It has become optional in our freak society with science supposedly making life "easier and better", but God never intended for that. He designed for Moms to feed their children, not Nestle. To me, giving a baby formula on a physical level is like reading to him out of a false Bible on a spiritual level. The Bible is called the "sincere milk of the word", and babies should be fed with sincere milk both physically and spiritually. If exclusively breastfeeding Moms should only do so in the privacy of their home, than they would never ever be able to go anywhere, including church, because most young babies need to eat at least once per hour.

Back to the church nursery. Young babies are not allowed in the service because they like to nurse, the thought of which sends most independent Baptist pastors into convulsions. Older babies are not allowed because they might coo, or look at other people in the room and distract them by smiling at them. Young toddlers might drop a toy, say something, or need to go to the bathroom. On and on the list goes.

Nobody seems to care that Jesus said "Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven." (Matt. 19:14) and "Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God." (Luke 18:16). They seem to never have read that "when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God." (Mark 10:14). I wonder why all three times Jesus used the word "suffer" - could it be because babies and young children can, in fact, be distracting at times, but we are still supposed to put up with it?!? What a strange thought. My kids were very distracting to me throughout the day today, but the thought that I should just leave them at a daycare center instead never crossed my mind. You just learn to put up with it. I find adults just as distracting at times. They have coughing fits, whisper during the service, dig through their purse, and are not just allowed but actually encouraged to yell out during the service ("Amen!" "Preach it, brother!" "That's right!" etc.). So an adult yelling out loud is not distracting, but a baby is? Why are children not allowed in church (which is not the building, but the general assembly)? Don't they need to learn more than anyone else, and aren't they the most likely to believe what is taught from the Bible?

If anyone who reads this thinks that our services must be a pandemonium because all children of all ages are in the services, they should listen to the sermons. Outbursts from children are very, very rare, and always very brief. We do have a "mother-baby room" at the back of the auditorium that has a rocker, a swing, toys etc. where Moms can step out while still being able to see and hear the service without being heard themselves. That being said, nobody is ever expected to use it, and the room is empty at most of the services.

In spite of claims of how clean, nice, and loving church nurseries are, I have to yet see one that is. Nursery workers are "hirelings", and a hireling is just that - a hireling and not a loving parent. Back when we were going to a big church in Indiana I heard of several young babies that had died in their newborn nursery, some while we were there. In fact, 3 more died in the year after we left. While some of the ladies in the older nurseries were sincerely friendly, such was not the case with the newborns. The Nazi in charge of the nurseries had picked the meanest, oldest matrons to care for these babies. The routine was the same for each baby at each service: feed, change diaper, put down in crib or swing to sleep. Crying babies were left to soothe themselves and were not carried, rocked, or otherwise comforted, and is it any wonder that the babies who had died were found lying dead in their crib after crying themselves to sleep. Just the thought makes me shudder. This same church issued photo ID cards (they looked much like a driver's license) for babies who due to medical reasons could not be in the nursery (such as a permanent, contagious disease). These babies and their parent(s) were then confined to a glass-enclosed extension of the main auditorium that was soundproof but had the service transmitted via speakers. I think we were the only parents to hold this precious card, other than the family whose daughter was born with a heart defect. She was not allowed to cry much because it could have strained her weak heart to the point of death, which made her ineligible for the loveless nurseries. This same little girl died shortly after she was finally put in the nursery at age 1 - but of course, there is no connection, right?!?

Another argument against telling people where they or their kids have to be during church is found in James 2:3: "And ye have respect to him that weareth the gay clothing, and say unto him, Sit thou here in a good place; and say to the poor, Stand thou there, or sit here under my footstool:" I am well aware of the fact that gay in the Bible has a different meaning than it does today, but isn't it ironic that most churches will in fact allow homosexuals in their service and treat them kindly and respectfully, but ban the babies from church? "Stand thou there in the hallway outside the auditorium" and "Sit here under my footstool in this back office" (or worse yet, the closet behind the restrooms) are all places where I have found myself with my babies.

There are other arguments against nurseries, such as the perverts and pedophiles who are always quick to volunteer to watch the kids, or the never-ending cycle of diseases being passed around.

Why is it acceptable to drop your child off four times a week for Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night services and for soul-winning, but it is wrong to put him/her in daycare five times a week to go work a job? If leaving your child in the nursery means risking him/her dying, being molested by a worker or hurt by another bratty child, and at best coming home with (sometimes very serious) diseases, why does everyone do it even though the Bible says it is wrong?