Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Answering large family objections, Part 1 - My, how neglected and overworked your other children are!


The kids are all very excited that we are expecting again. I didn't mean to tell them as early as I did - it happened rather by accident. They were all posing for a picture, and I quickly counted heads to make sure everyone was visible in the photo. I came up with the number eight, but was thinking (and saying): Who is missing? There are only eight kids in this picture? Duh - pregnant mom brain moment. The kids were like - Wait a minute, there are only eight of us, why are you thinking there should be nine? So yeah, the cat was out of the bag at that point. :)

Haters of large families will never understand that one of the best gifts we can give our children are more siblings, and the knowledge that all of them are very much wanted and loved. Parents of many are often accused of not possibly being able to spend time enough with each child. This is absurd considering that none of our children have ever spent a day of their lives in daycare, have had a stay-at-home mom all along, and are all homeschooled, which puts our kids home for 40 more hours per week than kids who are in school. We could spend an hour and a half with each of them individually every day of their lives, and still get around to all of them during their waking hours. Such an absurd notion, born of people who are accustomed to shipping their kids off to be raised by others from the cradle up. Sheesh!

But even if it were true that our children get less time with us parents - they get lots more time with their siblings, which is what they really want. I grew up in a family of five, and never once did the thought cross my mind that we were being short-changed in the area of parental attention. I have memories of doing things with just my mom on occasion, but I have far more memories of games I played with my siblings, and the great times we had with each other. Kids are not as keen on having the undivided attention of their parents as some seem to think they are. Siblings are so much funner for getting into mischief with!!

Of course, these same people will then go on to claim that our generally neglected and poorly attended children are made to slave in the family household from dawn to dusk, as we parents are eating bonbons, taking a nap, or busy making more babies. Whoever thinks that any child on the face of this earth will keep working of his own volition, without being supervised, guided, encouraged, helped along, and instructed (again and again), has clearly never worked with children. Or has a hole in their head. Or both. Keeping kids working is a full-time job. In fact, keeping anyone working is a full-time job. It's called being a "manager," and people get paid big bucks to be one. Because as humans, getting us to work is a job in and of itself - at least until personal responsibility and work ethic are developed, something that is a characteristic of a mature adult, not a child. So to say that our kids are doing all the work while we are fooling around is not even possible.

Do our kids help around the house? Of course! Oh the horror - having jobs and being responsible for someone besides oneself! How in the world will they have the opportunity to grow into lazy, self-centered adults, if we do not first squash their natural desire to be a productive part of the family?

Having older kids is such a blessing! They know what needs to be done around the house, and at this point, often help out even without being asked. But believe me - they sure weren't born knowing how to be productive! They also love cooking, especially Isaac. For him, it is a huge treat when he gets to make dinner from scratch, all by himself. Talk about a win-win! The middle aged children help by playing with the younger ones, reading to them, etc. We have definitely reached at a point in our family life where even though we are super busy, life isn't getting that much harder as we add more kids. When you have one child and you add a second, your work load just doubled. When you have 8 and grow to 9, you are only increasing the work load by a little over 10%. The way we see it, we have always had a baby. Then we had a baby and a toddler. Then a baby, a toddler, and a preschooler. Those were the hardest, busiest days. Now, we still have that busy little baby, toddler, and preschooler - but we also have (almost) two teens and three other older siblings to help keep the little ones busy and out of trouble.We don't look at is as adding little people, we look at it as adding older helpers every couple of years, because the little ones have been with us for well over a decade now, whereas having increasingly older helpers is ever new.

24 comments:

  1. It's sad you had to even write this post. I'm so excited for you and your family!! As an only child, I love watching my children growing up best friends and I especially love how much they love their little brother. I don't think children of large families are suffering-- quite the opposite!! They are gaining many valuable skills! And best of all they are learning to love being at home. Our culture puts far too much value on extra curricular activities and "socializing ". We are teaching our children to love being home with family and the contentment it brings. Great post and again, congratulations on your new member of the family!

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  2. I know that there are some people who can cope with large family, but I don't think everybody can handle that. My friends parents also believed (and still believe) that you should leave your family size in God's hands. They have 13 children and the mother suffers from multiple sclerosis. She had 6 of her youngest children when she was already in a wheelchair. The children have gone through depression, anxiety and all kinds of misery. My friend has told that she basically spend her youth changind diapers, being a baby sitter/mom/cleaning lady/lunch lady (you name it). She only has 2 children and wont be having more and is still suffering from depression. I know she isn't the only one, I know a large family mum who took her own life and many others who are struggling. So if people aren't thrilled about super-size families, it doesn't necessary mean that they HATE large families, maybe they have just seen too much what goes on behind closed doors.

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    1. I wonder if this is a troll comment.

      As someone who is very impacted by M.s. (sisters, mother, aunt, family friends), I seriously question the authenticity of this anonymous statement.

      13 children to a woman with m.s., her first 6 in a wheel chair! M.s. does have variations, but being so young in a wheel chair is really rather on the rarer side, I am assuming she did not have 13 kids starting in her late 30s, or early 40s. To have lived so long, I am guessing about 20 years in a wheel chair with the most crippling form of M.S., is also rare. Read any literature put out by M.S. organizations, they support women's choices to have children, as M.S. does affect many women in child bearing ages, AND they state that usually M.S. flare ups lessen during pregnancy. People with M.S. want to live a fulfilling life, so, supporting their choices to have families is important. Flareups can be caused by stress; one can feel stressed if they only live life to serve the master multiple sclerosis (aka not have children, even if they want children).

      My mother's M.S. M.g. went in a 20 year remission during her child raising years. I will concede, again, that there are varying levels of m.s.

      Of course, I could be wrong about Anonymous, but I doubt the honest of such an poorly executed comment.

      So, I guess since some people (if you didn't make this up) are dissatisfied with their lives as mothers, motherhood generally must be horrid! Are you saying children of a handicapped, or ill parent, can't be happy? Haha, please! My husband and kids would laugh at this! My kids are the happiest kids I have ever met, and their daddy was run over by a giant machine, almost died, and now can hardly walk...but does this phase our 4, no way! We answered the situation with calmness, open minds, and gratefulness of the blessings we have. We even learn tons of cool medical things while he receives care!

      I know many people who never had children. The childless folks have lived a life generally miserable with all their "freedom from responsibility"...so, by your example, that means I should go on blogs that are for limiting family size and post comments on the terrible lives of those people I know!

      Are you really commenting to express that people don't hate large families, come on? Or, are you commenting to be a Debi Downer? I am gonna guess the latter, with a bit of falsehoods thrown in there. Some people really do hate large families. I have been stopped many a times by people who comment how wonderfully behaved my children are, how happy we are, how they know a cool big family...but they would never want that yucky happiness of their own! Children are innocent, willing to forgive, loving, giving, and generally everyone knows this. Yet, though they acknowledge the delights of childhood, people by the droves shun children. People really are out there, in abundance, who do hate kids. Why? Because they hate God, they hate truth, they hate admitting that they have done things that are bad.

      If you are a Christian, you should love what God loves. God loves the little children. God loves work. God loves serving others. I love being a baby sitter, diaper changer, breast feeder, dish washer (you name it). If you don't, why are you on the large family blog? The answer- you are a troll.

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    2. Good point that disapproval doesn't necessary constitute "hate."

      I don't have children. This was my choice. I am now fifty years old but when I was younger and married I also experienced disapproval of my choice.

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    3. I tottaly agree! I myself know a lot of sad outcomes:(

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    4. I should clarify that by "haters," I don't mean people with different philosophies as ours regarding family size, or those who are curious, shocked, indifferent, etc. I mean people who actually, literally, hate large families. Like the devout satanists in our neighborhood with the bumper sticker "Stop breeding," or some of the horrible (never published) comments I receive on this blog, or the bitter hags online who spend their many lonely hours discussing large families with an online presence in various online forums. Thankfully, these people are few and far between. In everyday, real life, people are almost always genuinely happy when they see our family, even though that may not be what they chose for themselves.

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  3. Again, I say, choice goes both ways. My Dear, you and I are very opposite in our views of the Lord, but this we agree on. Sadly, my husband and I did not have as many children as we desired, but enough to cause e some folks to raise the above questions. Add to that being a college educated woman who stays home with the children...BY CHOICE, an d the vitriol....oh my. My mother held two master's degrees, yet she too stayed home and educated the six of us. It was our parents' hope that my sister and I would get to choose our paths as well, should we marry and have kids...AFTER COLLEGE. My mother's response to haters who would ask "Why is ceducation so important if you hope they'll be housewives?" "If you have to ask the question, you'll never understand the answer!" While I appreciate reading your thoughts, you and your husband owe nobody any explanation about your family size, ever. And again, I say this while reeling at some of your other views. Here's to a healthy baby. Merry Christmas.

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    1. Honestly, I am a bit curious, too, about why college is important. I love to learn, and certainly have never stopped, but paying for college when you don't intend to use it to get a job (especially in this day and age, when college is mind-bogglingly expensive) seems like poor stewardship to me. I have never understood the belief that one must go to college to be a worthwhile person. I love the fact that I can continue my education all my life for free at home or with online classes *without* wasting all that money! I have not encouraged any of my kids to go to college unless they have a passion for a particular field where they need a degree. We encourage them work in a number of different jobs where they will gain practical skills that will benefit them in life. I think a lot of financial problems are caused by directionless education and people who only learn how to learn, rather than how to work.

      Sorry! I got on my soapbox there and obviously I'm not directing those observations at you personally! It's just what I see in society in general. I really am interested in your philosophy, why you want all your children to go to college regardless of whether they will use the degree. It's so different than the conclusion we have reached, and I'm curious.

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  4. It's all so, so true! That's all I can think of to say, except... amen! :)

    Diana

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  5. I couldn't agree with this more and I don't have any children yet.

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  6. Congratulations! I personally love big families. No one likes to see neglected children or large families mooching off the government, but I am always so happy to hear that responsible Christians are having children and don't try to prevent them. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them!

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  7. I love this! So wise. 5 years and still waiting for God to open my womb and bless me and my husband with a child. Many blessings to you and your growing family!

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  8. I am so sorry that you perceive others as being "haters." I am much more inclined to view the world as a full spectrum of greys as opposed to strict black / white thinking. I propose that others are less likely to be large family haters and more likely to be surprised, amazed, or curious about how the family / household functions.

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    1. I agree that there are all shades of philosophies regarding family size. Just because I addressed one extreme end of the spectrum (since that is the one most likely to be debated online because it's anonymous), does not mean I don't recognize there are many other, more moderate, views.

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    2. Whew! I'm glad to hear you say that. Because I only "know" you by your writing, I likely assume you are far more extreme / angry / rigid (paranoid?) than you actually are!

      An online communication problem, to be sure.

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  9. I dont think you need to explain yourself, but your post makes sense to me. I would be interested to know how you afford a big family. We certainly cant afford more than two. I am truely interested and not judging at all.

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    1. Ultimately, no matter how hard you work to provide, or how frugal you are, it comes down to having faith in God's provision, walking by faith and not by sight, and in turn being blessed with having all our needs and many of our wants met. We have never been able to afford another child, but with God's help, it has always worked out. I'm sorry, I don't know how to explain it other than that.

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  10. Hello, I often read your blog and my husband and I both listen to your husband's sermons on youtube frequently :). I just wanted to say that it's refreshing to hear such an honest to-the-point response on other people's objections towards large families. I have eight siblings myself, and am currently expecting #2. While I can attest to and understand a lot of the so-called "downsides" of a large family, I have to say to all the people on here who are against being fruitful and multiplying (which is a commandment, not a suggestion or mild encouragement, by the way) because someone they knew was very unhappy with their situation... this can be the case with ANY size family. If those children were abused and unhappy and not being raised up in a godly manner, this would have happened irregardless of how many siblings they had. Growing up can be tough with one sibling or eight. And the point you made about siblings being the best part about growing up is so true. If the situation is tough, siblings can be your supporters. They will be your best memories and what you hold onto when you are grown up and life is still just as hard.
    Also, another issue that Christian's are ignoring these days is the dwindling number OF Christians. While Muslims are having children by the dozen, Christians are keeping to the typical 2.5. Think about the impact this is having on the spread of Christianity. While Satan's army grows bigger everyday, those who call themselves the Children of Christ are doing the devils bidding by not being fruitful.


    P.S., another blessing of having many children is all the grandkids and cousins that will come about in the coming decades :). There are currently 13 cousins/grandchildren in my family with more on the way. And think about how many grandchildren there will be if each child has their own 9+... the numbers can will multiply into the hundreds.

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  11. It's crazy that you even have to write this post. What an upside down world we live in where having lots of kids is considered a bad thing by most! I think it's wonderful that you're raising your kids to be helpful, productive and considerate. Can't believe someone would have something negative to say about that!

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  12. How come no one ever points out that there are families that only have 1 or 2 kids that are neglected and overworked? Those issues can happen in any situation. If a mom is spending hours on the internet criticizing how other people live, their kids might be neglected!

    I think family size is personal. Criticism can go the other way too. People have said they feel sorry for my daughter because she's an only child. They have said that our holidays must be so boring. People have said my husband and I are "selfish" because we only have one. People assume that I have hours and hours of free "me" time. Strangers and friends have asked me why I only have 1. That's not something I ever want to discuss and it's something that shouldn't be speculated about.

    I really believe that we should be letting people live the lives they want to live. Do we really want to live somewhere that has rules on how many children you should have?

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  13. I had 7 siblings and adored my childhood. As an adult, I now realize all of my important life skills I learned in my family: peaceful communication, organization, leadership, selflessness, efficiency...
    However, I do know large families in our circles who were dysfunctional and it all had to do with the parents.

    My parents' marriage was their priority and they communicated well enough that we never heard them fight. So our home environment felt joyful and safe. I did grow up seeing other families (including relatives) with exhausted and frazzled mothers, a lot of yelling going on and misbehaving kids. It scared me at the time and I didn't like visiting them. Now I attribute it to marriage problems: absent fathers who worked long hours to avoid being at home, and bitter mothers who felt completely undervalued by their husband. They acted like self-righteous Christians for having so many kids but deep down, I'm not sure they viewed their children as blessings.

    Second, my experience was good because we all pitched in at home, both girls and boys, older kids and younger kids. Babysitting was also a responsibility shared by boys and girls. How do you train a boy to become a father if they never take care of younger children? I knew many families where the older girls and mom did EVERYTHING, a great way to raise slaves on one hand and lazy brats on the other. I remember a girl my age who wouldn't marry because she was afraid her parent's household would fall apart without her! That is terrible parenting and no child should feel that burden on their shoulders.

    So I guess a happy home has everything to do with the parents setting the right tone and the right expectations. Apart from that, kids will adapt to pretty much any material situation. Honestly, I read this blog because it reminds me so much of the deep bond I had with my siblings growing up, so please know Zsu that you are giving them the best gift a child could wish for.

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  14. This is in response to Prim who stated that "childless folks have lived a life generally miserable."

    I totally understand that people who choose to raise large families don't care for generalizations; please be advised ma'am that this courtesy works both ways!

    I personally am acquainted with both happy and "miserable" people who have children and several of other types who do not have children.

    If you don't approve of someone's lifestyle that is fine.

    Please do not label us, ma'am.

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