I apologize for the long blogging absence.
3 weeks old
It's not that I haven't had time to blog, because while I'm crazy busy during the day, my nights are usually pretty quiet. Boaz is the easiest baby EVER, and sleeps as predictably and soundly as our other babies did when they were at least 6 months old.
It's not that I don't know what to write about, because at any given time, I can think of at least a dozen topics I'd like to cover, and many of them are even in the "draft" stage.
He loves bath time.
I think my main hangup is that I want to finish up the blog post about the birth story before moving on to other topics. Yet, even four weeks after the birth, and with the post completely written up to the point of Jachin's birth, I find myself unable or unwilling to finish the story. Maybe it makes me too sad to think about it, or maybe I am not ready to close that chapter and turn the page yet, or maybe it's both. I'm in sort of a bubble, a vacuum, on autopilot. I seem to be waiting for something, though I don't know what it is.
All I can say is that losing a baby is really, really hard. Thankfully, the kids keep me plenty busy during the day. I cannot say enough about how grateful I am to have little Boaz. I never want him to feel like he is not enough, or that he is not a complete person all by himself. But yes, often when I am all alone, or just Boaz and I, the tears are flowing for his brother. Especially because he is so absolutely easy, I often find myself thinking "I could have handled two babies like this." It's hard not to constantly ask "why" and "what if". It's hard knowing that there is nothing I can do to change the outcome, no matter how desperately I wish I could.
1 week old. Stephen is absolutely crazy about him.
Times like these I am most grateful of all for the fact that I am a Christian, and that we can have hope and peace and confidence in Christ. Truly, we sorrow not as those that have no hope. I marvel how those without faith in God can make it through everyday life, let alone the storms of life. If I didn't know that "all things work together for good to them that love God," I don't think I could ever have a normal life again. So many of our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ near and far have expressed their love and support to us, which really means a lot, and makes a huge difference. And of course, my husband has gone above and beyond in being nothing but supportive, loving, and incredibly patient.
So yes, I am doing fine. But I'm also still recovering. And while I want to talk about all the wonderful and fun things going on during summer break, I also want to finish the birth story post. Except that when night rolls around and I have time to sit down at a computer, I am usually too sad or worn to actually do so.
3 weeks old
I hope the pictures redeemed this otherwise somber post. These are not things I would normally talk to anyone about, not even family. Maybe someone out there will be encouraged to know that nobody's life is all sweetness and light, that sooner or later we all struggle with accepting God's will, but that He in time can heal all wounds.