There is a catalog that I receive in the mail called "One Step Ahead". I think they should be called "One Step too Far" or "One Step off the Deep End". My guess is that their clientèle mostly consists of older parents who have one or at the most two children. Nobody with lots of kids could afford to be so obsessive-compulsive. I wouldn't say that all of their products are worthless, but most of them are pretty ridiculous. Their catalog always makes for great comic relief.
Are you one of these parents?
Shame on you!
Add-a-size Garment Extenders
The tight fit allover also gives your child that healthy, plump "I-am-busting-at-the-seams" look that strangers find so irresistible that they just have to pinch your baby.
The name says it all. For those of us with sons, this is intended to make diaper changing time a little less... unpredictable, shall we say?
I used pacifiers with two of our kids for the first few months. Inevitably, the thing always would get dropped at the wrong time in the wrong spot. Until now (psst... this is just between you and me...) I would pick the stupid thing up, blow off any visible dirt, and then sanitize it by (hold on now) sticking it in my own mouth. Gross, no doubt, but hey - the kid doesn't know that yet. I would tell you that if it's really dirty, you could always have one of the older siblings "clean" it for you, but that would be to weird too say publicly.
Anywho, this is now a mute point because all moms will want to start toting one of these around in their purse, car, diaper bag, back pocket, first aid kit, glove compartment, stroller, and wherever else necessary to always have one within arm's reach. You can't afford to be caught without it any longer.
Ah, I could go on all night long with that catalog alone. But, time is short, and I'd hate to not mention some perfectly useless baby products from other companies that I find hard to believe anyone would buy:
Zaky - a pillow shaped like a fake hand that "imitates the look, feel, weight, scent, and warmth of the parents’ hand and forearm." At the bargain price of $49.95, you can't go wrong buying this thing! In fact, I am thinking about ordering one for each of my sons - I could lay this hand across their mouths at night when they keep talking after I have tucked them into bed.
Thudguard - Baby's 1st Head Gear
I tell ya, you gotta start 'em young on that head gear stuff. Otherwise they'll grow up and ride their motorcycle without a helmet, too.
A home test for alcohol in breast milk - yeah mama! Booze it up!
I wish I could think of something funny or clever to say but [shudder] imagine [shudder] someone stuck such a thing up your nose [shudder]. I rest my case.
And, last but not least, my favorite:
WhyCry Baby Crying Analyzer
Turn ON the Why-Cry device
Press the reset button
Put the Why Cry at the distance indicated in the distance table, following baby’s weight
Check the green led indicator turn to a clicking indication. [sic]
Wait for 20 seconds to collect crying sounds. A prognostic led will turn ON.
Review the body language in case of doubts to have a more accurate interpretation of the prognosis
Babies do not always cry the same, so the WhyCry device provides a guide to learn how to recognize different patterns."
No similar device like it [You can say that again!]
Reduces all crying parameters to five categories
Clinically tested and verified [Sigh of relief... it MUST work, then!]
WhyCry has been clinically tested (obtaining a pass certificate) and tried out in nursery schools with completely satisfactory results. [That's because nursery schools are satisfied regardless of whether or not the baby is crying or why. And by the way, they DID just mention the clinical testing part in the point above.]
Has been clinically tested, obtaining a success ratio of 95% [Didn't they already mention that in BOTH previous points?]
|A survey carried out among first-time parents showed 98% reliability [I thought these parents bought the WhyCry because they didn't know what baby's cries meant - how can they tell if it's reliable?]|
Here's a new idea: instead of putting this next to the screaming baby and waiting for him/her to work themselves into a frenzy, just pick up the baby and comfort him/her.
~~~~~~~~~No point to this post whatsoever. other than to make other moms laugh after a long day of parenting in the real world. If you did, please leave me a comment!